Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Your Weekly Moment of Sven




I've talked about Sven on numerous occasions. He knows everything about everything and luckily he lives right down the road from me. He has been there to help us roof our house, put in windows, remodel the kitchen and optimize our computer. He has helped rewire portions of our house. Decide on what video card for our new computer. Um . . . and generally keep us entertained throughout each and every process. Some folks need a whole team of people to accomplish these tasks. Not us. Sven is our "people".

So, whenever I write about Sven I get emails from women around the globe wondering how they can find their own Sven. When I told Sven about this phenomenon his chest puffed up and he walked around with his arms a bit out to the sides like suddenly his muscles had grown too large to be held next to his body. Then, when he couldn't hold his chest all puffed out anymore, he proposed doing a weekly segment here at Old Red Barn Co. where he answers you questions about stuff. Stuff being stuff you need "people" to figure out, fix or otherwise solve. "People" being someone that you have to hire and pay money to work. But, the beauty of this is that Sven is free. If you have a question just ask it here and I'll be sure to put Sven to the task. It is your Moment of Sven after all. Kinda like the Daily Show's Moment of Zen . . . but not really.


To kick this off I asked Sven to tell you all a little about himself. And, this is what I got . . .


Born on March 3, 1974, Bertil Sven Asplund was born in Jämsä, Finland. At the tender age of twelve, he had filed for emancipation from his parents, citing their naming conventions for a large portion of his already substantial psychological issues, quoted in the "Jämsä Daily Edition" as saying "Ik beteken, vorder! Hoe ik kan worden verwacht om zich tot een productieve burger te ontwikkelen als I' m dat met een belachelijke naam zoals Bertil wordt gezadeld?", which loosely translated, means "I don't like the name Bertil.". Once free from the oppressive thumb of his parents as well as their "Book of cute Finnish baby names", his first order of business was to change his name to something that would remove the stigma of his parents' poor decision. That's how Bertil Sven Asplund became Sven Bertil Asplund. Upon later contemplation, Sven realized that divorcing his parents over a name change might have been somewhat shortsighted, but never one to give up, he dropped any reservations about being on his own and became the youngest person in history to enlist and be accepted into the Finnish Special Forces.

Sven quickly excelled in a rigid and structured environment, earning the nickname "Bruine Neus" from his fellow enlistees. Specializing in obscure arts, crafts and technologies, Sven quickly became the go-to guy anytime someone ran into a situation that could not be resolved by traditional methods. To this day, the tale of how Sven escaped from a South American Nike slave labor camp by melting his cell bars with nothing but lye soap and the ink from a Reader's Digest page can be overheard as new special forces recruits tell heroic tales over bowls of Frööt Lööps in the cafeteria.

Due to a misunderstanding between Sven and a woman he thought needed a ride in the redlight district outside of his military base, Sven once again found himself without employment and without a roof over his head. He was 19.

Responding to an advertisement in the paper, Sven quickly found himself part of a government sponsored think-tank tasked with slashing Finland's water consumption. The country could not keep up with demands and the national water reserves were almost completely depleted. In the midst of far-fetched suggestions and impossible ideas, Sven singlehandedly resolved the nation's issue with a single change: He suggested that the country remove "Rinse & Repeat" from every bottle of shampoo and conditioner to enter the country. Arming themselves with bottles of White-Out, the country's retail outlets implemented his suggestion within 24 hours it becoming national law, thus saving Finland from utter collapse. Due to the product manufacturers' refusal to print bottles specifically for sale inside Finland, thousands were hired as "de deskundigen van het productvoorbereidingen van de haarzorg", or "hair care product preparations experts" which created a whole new source of employment for his countrymen. A national holiday was proposed honoring Sven, but the proposal was shot down due to the fact that they had run out of days in the year that didn't already have a holiday and they feared overlapping the holidays would cause some confusion.

Since becoming a national hero, Sven dabbled in any occupation that interested him and at last count was able to boast 219 different occupational specialties. From "underwater oil supply line repair technician" to "gold leaf taste-tester", Sven had tried any occupation that struck his fancy. In spite of the occupational diversity however, Sven felt empty. He had grown tired of his sedentary lifestyle.

For that reason, in 1999, Sven purchased a mail-order bride. Although he thought he was going to marry an exotic woman, the site he ordered his bride from was "FinnishBrides4U.com", which would go far in explaining how he married his next-door neighbor. After making an honest man of himself, he opened a world map and decided where he would live by closing his eyes and placing his finger on a map. Initially, his finger chose the Bearing Strait, the South Pole and Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, but he counted these as illegitimate, since his fingers were crossed. The fifth time his finger hit the map, it was resting on a mountainous region in the pacific northwest in the United States. After applying for his temporary visa, he boarded the plane with his lovely wife. Upon arrival in the states however, he was promptly arrested in customs for transporting hair care products on a US bound flight. He was also charged with concealing a deadly weapon due to the fact that he had accidentally swallowed his plastic spork while eating a bowl of cereal on the plane and it was subsequently detected during a search. Sven had become a victim in the war on terror.

Sven was offered a reduced sentence and permanent residency in the US in light of his heroic efforts when he stopped a prison riot by electrifying the community toilet plumbing. With his new found freedom, Sven and his wife disappeared into the mountains. Without enough money to buy, he built his home from the detritus found behind the local shopping plaza. Aside from some issues with the county permit office, his merging into the mountains of the west coast has been without problems and he has once again become the local go-to guy, providing solutions for every person that takes the time to ask his assistance.




He is a colorful character but I think that once you get to know him you will find him as indispensable as I do.

-dana

24 comments:

Helz said...

That vividly zany imagination of yours... Just cracks me up Dana !!!LOL..................

ohhollyf said...

LUV IT, brillant, appluse to u !

Mama Dawg said...

That is brilliant. I'm gonna link to this post.

Colonel Klink said...

This may be the funniest thing I've read in ages! I look forward to reading Sven's advice!

Greta said...

Oh my goodness - what a hoot! I look forward to more Sven stories. :)

Artfulife said...

You made me giggle. This was too funny.

Pink Lemonade Boutique Bags said...

That was a great yarn! I was definitely giggling through all of it!

Amy said...

LOL! I am excited about a weekly dose of Sven :)

Regina said...

LOL what brilliant writing! And I LOVE that picture!!! Still leaves enough Sven to the imagination.

Pumpkin Head Baby Co said...

That story is hysterical! Love it!

sarah, rsm said...

Girl, you kill me! That's better than any video yet! YOU WIN THE QUILT!!!!!

Sequana said...

What's so colorful about that? I know two or three guys who have lived just about the same life.

Nice name tho.

Jean said...

you are just too plain funny, girl? did you ever live "up nort" here in minnesot - AH ?? or maybe you're from "da yooper"...

Amber said...

Ok this is so hilarious - I was cracking up the whole time while reading it!

rayna said...

Too funny!

Sabine said...

Pure genius! Hilarious!!!

(My P is a Finn, too. He knows how to do EVERYTHING, too. And I was the girl next door, that he married!)

Mrs. V said...

Now, Dana, I believe everything I hear...mostly. And I was believing this Sven guy, even the bizarre parts, but you lost me when you said he swallowed a spork. Then I knew that maybe some of this story was made up...but it's such a good story, I'm going to believe and retell most of it to my friends. I'll leave out the spork part, though.
Hugs,
Yvonne

Tipper said...

I think you need to write a book about Sven. And I have one question for him- "Can you clog?"

Karen said...

Sven! hummm...he and I share a birthday!! Love it!

Lynne in Hawaii said...

Thanks for the giggle. Great imagination! Congratulations to the winners!

Nance said...

Dana,
You're a bomb! such imagination!

Renna said...

Gullible is my middle name. I'm embarrassed to admit how far I read before I felt that strong tug on one of my legs. ;-)

Evy said...

Great great great story!
I'm yust wondering why a guy from Finland speaks Dutch....

Kind Regards,
Evy

Karen Mowrey said...

This is hysterical! Good thing no one is around to see me laugh coffee out of my nose...

I think you should raffle off a week with Sven if you ever do another give away. We live in an 150yo farm house. We need a Sven!