Your Weekly Moment of Sven

Howdy, fellow netizens! The time has come to flex our fix-it muscle again!

First, I'd like to thank everyone for their warm welcome. Secondly, it seems that most people were interested in furniture restoration as our next topic of interest. To wrap it up, I'll also try to help my new friend with the discolored porcelain tub.

Before we go into it too far, let me just say that I'm not going to try to teach you to refinish a piece of furniture. There are thousands of books on the subject and they all go into the required depth of furniture restoration. Instead, I'm going to go over three levels of repair, from minor to major, explaining each one briefly and giving you enough information to get you into trouble.

Before beginning, let me say that true antiques are often valuable because of the history attached to them by the finish. Before you strip, sand or repair, think about what you're doing. I've seen a lot of historical pieces destroyed by someone with a can of Formby's Finish-In-A-Can.

1) Minor scuffs, scrapes and abrasions: Carnuba wax is the king of hiding minor imperfections. I like it so much in fact, it will be the last step in every level of our refinishing. I'm not talking about that almost-wax in a bottle that everyone is so fond of now. I'm talking about hard carnuba wax that your dad used to let dry on the car too long and took hours to remove. If you have a piece that has some wear marks on it, then you want to make this your first stop on the road to redemption. Sometimes nothing more than a good wax will make the piece take on a whole new look. Apply it and let it dry, only not for as long as your dad did in the blazing sun and polish with cheesecloth.

2) Major scrapes, scratches and marring: For pieces that are beyond a wax job but still have some form of finish over the wood, you'll need to get your hands a little dirty. We're going to do this with sandpaper. Before the instructions though, we're going to have a few warnings:

WARNING! Sandpaper is abrasive! I know that on the face of it, that's a stupid statement to make, but I'm serious. You have to be able to control how much you remove because if you burn through the finish, you buy yourself a ticket to stage 3 of the list, which is a full refinishing, so be careful! You have to be even more careful around edges. Don't sand them. just sand up to them and leave them alone. any sanding at all over a sharp edge will remove the finish quick and in a hurry.

Before you begin sanding, use a mild cleaner to try to take off the years of grime from the surface you're going to try to repair. Dirt clogs sandpaper and sandpaper gets expensive, so clean it up as best you can.Once it's clean, you want to start sanding.

You will want to start with at the very least a 400 grit paper.On flat surfaces, you want to use a sanding block. Keep in mind that the newer the furniture is, the thinner the finish and you can burn through the coating on a 50 year old piece of furniture in no time flat, so be careful! You want to sand gently in a circular motion, never pushing down but allowing the weight of the block to push the paper against the piece for you. Check your paper often as it will get little balls of grime on it that can scratch the piece more than it already is. Also use an old paintbrush to whisk the dust from the piece so it won't clog the paper. Once the finish is uniformly sanded, hit it with 600, 800 then 1,000 grit. A lot of work, I know, but worth it if you can save yourself the hassle of refinishing the piece. Normally, you would continue with finer grits and then rotten stone or pumice, but you probably don't have a thick enough finish to do that, so I'll leave it to you to decide when you've taken as much as you're willing to take off of it.

Got that done? Then head to step one and wax that baby!

3) Complete refinish(or "Abandon hope, all ye who enter here"): Ok, your child(or your husband maybe?) has run their toy cars and tractors across the top of your coffee table and there's not enough finish to fix? The first thing you want to do is impress upon your child(husband) how much work you're going to have to go through to fix the piece. After that, it's time to get started.

If you're only going to be doing the top of a piece, trying to save the finish on other parts of the piece then you're going to want to stop sanding before you begin affecting any stain that's on the wood because you're going to have a tough time matching it. Also, tape off the edge of the area so you don't over-sand accidentally. You'll want to stop your refinish effort along a hard edge, since you'll not be able to blend the two finishes. If you're refinishing the top of a piece, then run tape along the bottom edge and attempt to make the transition from new to old at the lower edge of the table. This gives you a better chance of hiding the repair. If you're refinishing the whole piece, go to town and use whatever stain your heart desires and stop sanding when the piece no longer has any finish on it. When sanding wood, ALWAYS sand along the grain and not across it. The only exception is end-grain which you'll come across at either end of most single-plank topped tables. Sand end grain in whatever direction is most comfortable for you. If you're removing a finish completely, you start with about 180 grit paper and begin working your way up to at least 400 grit. The smoother the wood, the better the finish will look.

Once you've prepared the piece, it's time to decide on a finish. If you're working with an older piece(70 years or older) and it's not been refinished, you're almost certainly dealing with either a shellac or varnish. It doesn't keep you from using a polyurethane, but if you want the finish to look the same, you'll want to try to stick with the same finish. Some notes on the differences between them:

Varnish: Widely used on furniture, varnish is a durable finish that has some give, moving with the wood if it's used in an environment that causes the wood to swell, twist or flex. Although it comes in different tints and flavors, if you're matching an old finish, chances are that you just want a clear gloss finish.

Shellac: Normally sold in the form of flakes that you have to mix with alcohol, shellac is the finish that provides unsurpassed depth and glow to a piece of a wood. It dries incredibly hard and for that reason, you don't want to use it on a piece that might be in the elements or humidity. Although it's the hardest finish to work with, when applied with care, it's results can make a grown man cry, and not because his toy tractor got taken away.

Polyurethane: A late arrival to the world of furniture restoration, it is, as it's name suggests, made up of plastics and other man-made chemicals. For that reason, if no other, some furniture restoration experts cringe when approached with it. I'll leave it to you to decide if you want to use it, but will only say this. If God wanted you to put plastic on your wood, he would have issued a roll of seran wrap with every tree.

Alright, you have a sanded surface and are ready to put a finish on it. How nice it looks completely depends on how much work you're willing to go to. You know those gorgeous pieces that you see with a finish so deep, you feel like you can reach into it? Those often have as many as 20 coats applied. Before you decide that's not too bad, keep in mind that you must sand between at least every other coating. For a piece that gets used daily, four to five coats should suffice in making a protective and beautiful finish. You'll want to apply two coats then let it cure completely(follow the instructions on the finish you selected), sand with 400, then 600 grit then apply another two coats. The sanding is done to level the finish, getting rid of brush strokes, orange peel and fish eyes. Sound nasty? Don't worry, they're just certain mottling that occurs to an applied finish. Point being, sanding gets rid of these. Sand carefully as you don't want to remove everything you worked so hard to get on the piece.

Once you have applied the finish, you want to move on to step two, then step one.

Piece of cake, right?

Now, let's take a look at porcelain cleaning. It's not as easy as it sounds as porcelain is touchy. First off, as my new friend has found out, porcelain is somewhat porous. Secondly, you can't use any real abrasive on it because once you've marred the glazing on the porcelain, you can't really get it back without the assistance of a professional and at great cost. for that reason, you want to use a ridiculously mild abrasive to clean surface grime. I like toothpaste applied to a tennis ball to rub onto the surface. Not only does it clean(just look at the tennis ball when you're done!), it also polishes!

Unfortunately, we're not dealing with a surface problem. She's got something that went past the glazing, which is really tough to get to. I have one suggestion that holds some promise.

Go to your local hardware store and pick up some PVC cleaner in the plumbing section. You're doing a tub, so buy the big container. Be sure to buy the clear cleaner and not the purple. WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T BUY THE PURPLE! Unless, of course, you want a purple tub. Before applying it to the center of an area, be sure to try it on a hidden surface. This makes sure there's no repair coating or finish on the tub that will be affected by what you're about to do. This is some serious stuff and you want to make very sure that you're not going to make matters worse where it's visible. Apply it with the dauber attached to the lid and rub it in well. Immediately wipe it clean with a paper towel. It flashes incredibly fast and if you don't wipe it quickly, it will simply dry, leaving the contaminates on the porcelain. Once you're sure that you're not going to affect the tub's finish in a negative manner, start on the problem area. Use either the dauber or a towel wrapped around your finger applying a liberal amount. You don't want it to dry while you're working, so apply in small areas, wiping clean often. For incredibly hard discolorations, you'll have to apply over an area repeatedly.

That's it for this installment, my friends. I wish you well in your furniture and tub renewal endeavors and until next time,

Happy Trails,
Sven

Moment of Sven (Volume I)

You met Sven a few days ago. He's here today to really get the ball going on your weekly Moment of Sven. Take it away Sven . . .




Hello, fellow internetizens! I must say that I am very excited at the prospect of helping people all across the world! It's almost like the time that I got my own television show in Finland. I started out as a grip (I held a lighting apparatus), but due to a sweeping case of botulism, I was the only person left in the studio that could stand upright. For that reason alone, I was chosen to be the new host of " Moeilijke situatie het allen met een ei!", or "Fix it all with an egg!", which is an incredibly popular weeknight show in my home country. The premise of the show was simple. Anything could be fixed with nothing but an egg.

It was often tough to accomplish, but given enough time, you truly can fix anything with an egg. Unfortunately, the lifespan of the average human is less than the time required to fashion a functional screwdriver or pair of pliers from an egg.

With actual tools at my disposal, I am confident that I should be able to fix practically anything. I'm very much looking forward to seeing what problems we can overcome!

With that being said, I would like to make my first article a small collection of "quick-tips" that require little or no tools. They very well might be things that you've picked up in your travels already but for those of you that haven't seen them, there are a couple that just might make your life a little easier in exchange for very little investment. As much as I would like to continue this monologue, I guess it's time we got started.

1) Use bar soap for lubricating stuck and stubborn drawer slides: If you own antiques, then you are probably familiar with this hindrance. Before the use of rollers, wheels and bearings to smooth the opening of drawers, builders just used the sides of the drawers to guide the drawer in and out of the pocket. Although it initially worked great and was an incredible benefit considering the alternative of carrying around all of your belongings on your person, over time they can begin to stick due to wear, swelling and simple fatigue. If the drawers on your sideboard are beginning to resist your efforts to pull it open, simply flip the drawer over and run a bar of soap over the side rails where it contacts the frame of the pocket. You'll know the contact point, because it will be shiny. Replace the drawer and watch your toes, as the next time you jerk on the handle really hard, the drawer may end up on your foot.

2) Use metal thumbtacks to raise settling drawers: This is another thing I picked up while dealing with old furniture. Another problem with old drawers is that over time, the front of the drawer begins to settle, due to the side rails wearing into the frame. It makes sense that as you pull the drawer out, the strain on the contact points increase due to the added leverage when the weight of the drawer is suspended in front of the piece of furniture. If you pull the drawer, depending on the age of the piece of furniture, you may find wear pockets so deep that the bottom of the drawer has begun to drag in the frame of the opening. If you want to get the action of your drawer back, you can simply use some flat top steel tacks (with the shiny metal button tops) and press them into the worn tracks at the front of the frame opening. This will raise the front of the drawer closer to where it belongs and upon opening, it won't sag as much. If you've placed your tacks and it's not completely resolved the issue, you can get a little more of your angle back by doing the following. Many drawers have a guide that runs over the top of the drawer and as the drawer opens, the rear of the drawer will push against this as the cantileavered force from the open drawer forces the rear up. Simply place another tack at the rear of the drawer where it contacts this guide rail. Again, you'll find the correct location by looking for the shiny worn mark.

3) Use toothpicks and glue to repair stripped and oversized screw holes: If you live in an older home, you may find that some of your doors rub at the top when you close them. They may rub so badly that you can't close them. If you've tried to tighten the screws on the jamb of the door where the hinges connect, you may have found that some simply spin in the hole. If you pull them, you may also find that someone kept putting larger screws into the holes in an effort to combat the stripped hole. You can repair the hole and go back to standard size screws with nothing but some toothpicks and wood glue. Remove the screws holding the hinge to the jamb and pull the hinge plate away from the jamb. Take four or five toothpicks(I like square toothpicks the best for this) and dab some glue onto them, allowing the glue to cover all of them evenly. Push the toothpicks into the stripped hole by hand then tap them in as far as you can with a hammer or the butt of your screwdriver. Wait ten minutes for the glue to dry, then cut off the protruding portions of the toothpicks. Swing the hinge back into place and replace the screws that weren't stripped. This will return the hinge plate to the location it was supposed to be in. After the hinge plate is back in place, center the correct size screw in the screw hole on the hinge. Tap the screw with the butt of the screwdriver to indent it into the wood properly, then tighten the screw in place. Note that it's much better to pre-drill the hole before replacing the screw, but if you don't have a drill handy, tapping the screw usually works just fine. Note that this doesn't always solve the issue of sticking doors. Stripped screws are usually a symptom of people overtightening the screws in an attempt to fix a problem that wasn't caused by loose screws in the first place. I could make a day of fixes for stuck doors, but I will digress until someone actually asks about it.

4) Use crayons to hide furniture scratches: If your child drags your coffee table across a concrete surface, you are going to need to refinish the piece. If you only need to hide a couple scratches, dents or blemishes, there is an alternative. Furniture refinishing product vendors sell special refinishing pencils that offer a lot of colors. You can save a lot of money by simply grabbing your child's 48 crayon Crayola box, finding the closest match and using it to pencil in over the damaged area. Once you've filled the scratch with wax, polish with cheesecloth or similarly soft cloth. This method will usually hide problems from all but the most observant visitor.

5) Vinegar and water can remove microwave stains and smells: After months or years of use, microwaves can get to smell pretty badly. Simply place a bowl of water with a few capfuls of vinegar into the microwave and heat for two to three minutes. Afterwards, simply wipe down the interior of the microwave with a mild cleanser. Providing the microwave wasn't neglected, this will usually remove all but the most stubborn smells and stains.

6) You can adjust the size of text on any web page on the fly: Some sites use font styles that are hard to read and with today's new super-huge monitors, we're sometimes left with our noses against the screen trying to read the text on a web page. The next time you find yourself squinting to read some text on a webpage, simply hold down the Ctrl key on your keyboard, and scroll the center wheel on your mouse up to enlarge the text and down to make the text smaller. Alternatively, you can use the "+" and "-" keys on your keyboard while holding down the Ctrl key at the same time for the same effect.

7) Restore pressure at a particular faucet by cleaning the filter screen: You may sometimes find that water pressure is fine throughout your house except for one or two faucets. If this is the case, you may be able to raise the pressure on the problem faucets by cleaning the filter screen. At the spigot, where the water exits the faucet body, you'll often find a round fitting that houses the aerator. Unscrew this by hand or pliers, being careful to protect the order in which the parts come out of the faucet. Pay attention, as you need to replace it in the same order that it came out! Often, you'll find sediment and buildup on a filterscreen or on the aerator itself, if the faucet has one. Clean the parts well and replace. If the low pressure is at a showerhead, unscrew the head from the shower neck. Look for a screen inside the threaded fitting. If cleaning doesn't solve your problem, you may have calcium buildup in the showerhead itself. Soak the showerhead in a vinegar and water mixture overnight, then replace. If the low pressure is at your clothes washer, you can usually find the filter screens at the ends of the hoses that connect to the hot and cold valves in the wall of your house. Shut off the valves and unscrew the hoses. Clean the screens and replace, being sure to tighten the hoses well.

8) Inflate a flat wheelbarrow, lawnmower or bike tire with a hand pump by using your belt or piece of rope: Sometimes, the bead on the side of a tire comes loose from the rim, leaving you unable to inflate the tire with a simple hand pump, since the air escapes as quickly as you can pump it. If you run into this problem, simply wrap your belt or a piece of rope around the tire. Run the belt through the buckle and pull it back to tighten. As the belt tightens on the tire, it will usually push the sides of the tire out to meet the rim, restoring the seal. If it doesn't happen the first time, loosen the rope or belt, adjust the tire on the rim and try it again.

What, you were hoping for ten tips? Well, I have to save something lest I should end up having another week with no preset topics to discuss. I only know how to do 13 cool things with little or no tools. At least this way, I have five things to talk about next time.

Happy trails,
Sven

Your Weekly Moment of Sven

I've talked about Sven on numerous occasions. He knows everything about everything and luckily he lives right down the road from me. He has been there to help us roof our house, put in windows, remodel the kitchen and optimize our computer. He has helped rewire portions of our house. Decide on what video card for our new computer. Um . . . and generally keep us entertained throughout each and every process. Some folks need a whole team of people to accomplish these tasks. Not us. Sven is our "people".

So, whenever I write about Sven I get emails from women around the globe wondering how they can find their own Sven. When I told Sven about this phenomenon his chest puffed up and he walked around with his arms a bit out to the sides like suddenly his muscles had grown too large to be held next to his body. Then, when he couldn't hold his chest all puffed out anymore, he proposed doing a weekly segment here at Old Red Barn Co. where he answers you questions about stuff. Stuff being stuff you need "people" to figure out, fix or otherwise solve. "People" being someone that you have to hire and pay money to work. But, the beauty of this is that Sven is free. If you have a question just ask it here and I'll be sure to put Sven to the task. It is your Moment of Sven after all. Kinda like the Daily Show's Moment of Zen . . . but not really.


To kick this off I asked Sven to tell you all a little about himself. And, this is what I got . . .


Born on March 3, 1974, Bertil Sven Asplund was born in Jämsä, Finland. At the tender age of twelve, he had filed for emancipation from his parents, citing their naming conventions for a large portion of his already substantial psychological issues, quoted in the "Jämsä Daily Edition" as saying "Ik beteken, vorder! Hoe ik kan worden verwacht om zich tot een productieve burger te ontwikkelen als I' m dat met een belachelijke naam zoals Bertil wordt gezadeld?", which loosely translated, means "I don't like the name Bertil.". Once free from the oppressive thumb of his parents as well as their "Book of cute Finnish baby names", his first order of business was to change his name to something that would remove the stigma of his parents' poor decision. That's how Bertil Sven Asplund became Sven Bertil Asplund. Upon later contemplation, Sven realized that divorcing his parents over a name change might have been somewhat shortsighted, but never one to give up, he dropped any reservations about being on his own and became the youngest person in history to enlist and be accepted into the Finnish Special Forces.

Sven quickly excelled in a rigid and structured environment, earning the nickname "Bruine Neus" from his fellow enlistees. Specializing in obscure arts, crafts and technologies, Sven quickly became the go-to guy anytime someone ran into a situation that could not be resolved by traditional methods. To this day, the tale of how Sven escaped from a South American Nike slave labor camp by melting his cell bars with nothing but lye soap and the ink from a Reader's Digest page can be overheard as new special forces recruits tell heroic tales over bowls of Frööt Lööps in the cafeteria.

Due to a misunderstanding between Sven and a woman he thought needed a ride in the redlight district outside of his military base, Sven once again found himself without employment and without a roof over his head. He was 19.

Responding to an advertisement in the paper, Sven quickly found himself part of a government sponsored think-tank tasked with slashing Finland's water consumption. The country could not keep up with demands and the national water reserves were almost completely depleted. In the midst of far-fetched suggestions and impossible ideas, Sven singlehandedly resolved the nation's issue with a single change: He suggested that the country remove "Rinse & Repeat" from every bottle of shampoo and conditioner to enter the country. Arming themselves with bottles of White-Out, the country's retail outlets implemented his suggestion within 24 hours it becoming national law, thus saving Finland from utter collapse. Due to the product manufacturers' refusal to print bottles specifically for sale inside Finland, thousands were hired as "de deskundigen van het productvoorbereidingen van de haarzorg", or "hair care product preparations experts" which created a whole new source of employment for his countrymen. A national holiday was proposed honoring Sven, but the proposal was shot down due to the fact that they had run out of days in the year that didn't already have a holiday and they feared overlapping the holidays would cause some confusion.

Since becoming a national hero, Sven dabbled in any occupation that interested him and at last count was able to boast 219 different occupational specialties. From "underwater oil supply line repair technician" to "gold leaf taste-tester", Sven had tried any occupation that struck his fancy. In spite of the occupational diversity however, Sven felt empty. He had grown tired of his sedentary lifestyle.

For that reason, in 1999, Sven purchased a mail-order bride. Although he thought he was going to marry an exotic woman, the site he ordered his bride from was "FinnishBrides4U.com", which would go far in explaining how he married his next-door neighbor. After making an honest man of himself, he opened a world map and decided where he would live by closing his eyes and placing his finger on a map. Initially, his finger chose the Bearing Strait, the South Pole and Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, but he counted these as illegitimate, since his fingers were crossed. The fifth time his finger hit the map, it was resting on a mountainous region in the pacific northwest in the United States. After applying for his temporary visa, he boarded the plane with his lovely wife. Upon arrival in the states however, he was promptly arrested in customs for transporting hair care products on a US bound flight. He was also charged with concealing a deadly weapon due to the fact that he had accidentally swallowed his plastic spork while eating a bowl of cereal on the plane and it was subsequently detected during a search. Sven had become a victim in the war on terror.

Sven was offered a reduced sentence and permanent residency in the US in light of his heroic efforts when he stopped a prison riot by electrifying the community toilet plumbing. With his new found freedom, Sven and his wife disappeared into the mountains. Without enough money to buy, he built his home from the detritus found behind the local shopping plaza. Aside from some issues with the county permit office, his merging into the mountains of the west coast has been without problems and he has once again become the local go-to guy, providing solutions for every person that takes the time to ask his assistance.




He is a colorful character but I think that once you get to know him you will find him as indispensable as I do.

-dana